Here I am. The first official blog post of my whole life. I feel shy! I am many voices, many parts…I know this shows up in my writing, as it does in my daily life. I was wondering who would show up here, and I can’t say that the shy voice Me is the best one to represent a first official blog post. Hmmm. Well, this is what it is. There’s no time to wait for another Voice to manifest right now, because my hubby and I are about to go and pick up Sofia and Michelle from their summer program.
I have a huge list of “Reasons We Are Moving To The Dominican Republic” to tell you, and some will be connected to the list called “Why I Am Creating A Blog”. Here is one of the reasons I am creating a blog: We are packing, sorting, selling, donating…letting go…letting go…Ultimately, we are leaving a 5 x 10 foot storage room full of our most important belongings. What a process!! So good for me to do – not that I am a hoarder, but let’s say, one year ago, I would never have let go of my mother’s hand carved coconut round table, or the white dresser that has moved at least ten times with me, or my beloved books. Our cars are listed on craigslist and soon, the house that fit us so well back in Virginia Beach will go on the market.
The letting go worked on me until it really came down to what’s most important. You know what is mostly going into the storage room? Boxes and boxes of letters from my parents – letters my Dad and Mom wrote each other during their dating period, letters my Mom wrote to her Mom when we moved to New York in the 60’s – a chronicle of my life as a little kid before I remember much. There are cards and letters I wrote to them from summer camps, college, from India, from Romania. There are letters written to and from my closest friends from as far back as age twelve or thirteen, with silly drawings, dreams, secrets shared. There are love letters, some written for me, some written by me, yet never sent. There are piles of poems and parts of stories. I just found a poem my mom wrote that I’ve never seen before – it revealed a huge missing piece in the puzzle of my life. Dad wrote prolifically – he wrote plays, songs, short stories, long stories. There is the raw and painful journal he wrote during the year following my sister’s death – I still can’t get through it. I can’t toss it out. I’m keeping it in the box with the 500 plus page memoir I wrote during the same period.
There are a few boxes of crystal stemware, a complete set of ostentatious, ridiculously not-me Chancellor-Cobalt Blue (gold) pattern by Spode China (Look it up, it’s like something a Duchess of England would serve dinner on! SO not-me of today! It’s from a time in my life that is wedged between being a hippy and now: Off-The-Grid Mama! Off-The-Grid Mama does not serve dinner on Spode China:)) (By the way, it’s totally okay with me if you serve with Spode, I don’t mean to say it’s wrong for anyone else – it’s just absolutely not where I’m at right now. Notice I didn’t toss it:)). We are also keeping a safety deposit box at a bank for a few priceless items to be locked away.
But the bulk of the stuff is family history, in pictures and in words. The words, stories, confessions, inner thoughts, letters written by my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, sister, friends – my own journals that go back to age thirteen – these I save. These words matter deeply to me now. They matter in a way that makes giving away my favorite lamp not such a biggie at all.
So: One reason I will have a blog: I want a record in words that can somehow be traced. It’s time to record and live our family story. For you, my angel baby Sofia from Baby Heaven. For you, my angel baby Michelle from Baby Heaven. Sofia, you’re five. You’ll vaguely remember this moment. It will be rimmed with magic and some tears and confusion and excitement. Michelle, you’re two. There won’t be much in your mind’s memory, but in your heart there will be an imprint. How I hope so much that my heart hurts as I write this – how I hope that your heart soars in the rainforest off-the-grid. It’s not that you’re unhappy here, not at all. I just believe we will all be more alive.
There will be many reasons for my blog, many reasons we leap off-the-grid. Yet always, behind every story and reason and details, I will be writing – and living and loving – for you, my two precious Angels. And years and years from now, if you find yourselves sitting here reading my blog: Believe what I have always told you. I’m here – don’t you feel me? I’m here, right here in your hearts, right here in these words.