Internal weather report for today: I have a lot of anxiety. This is not new. Anxiety has been with me since I was thirteen, and probably before, although I don’t remember.
Why am I anxious? Why is there thunder in the distance right now, why is that rooster hoarsely crowing nearby, even though it’s 4:17 pm?
Why do I feel afraid of you right now, this blog place, that I have come to love and feel connected to? I remember when I wrote my first post, feeling shy. Somehow that passed. Yet now comes fear, of being exposed, putting myself “out there.”
But it isn’t the blog. And it isn’t anything that happened. The anxiety entered. It wants a topic, a reason, it wants a subject to validate itself (there are SO many things it can hook into if I let it! Endless, ridiculous things, from a “real” cockroach to an “imagined: What if?”)
Robin Williams killed himself yesterday, apparently due to severe depression. I can’t and don’t know what it’s like, being so depressed to commit such an act. I’m so sorry someone could feel so much pain. It’s incredibly sad to know he had children and lived in idyllic Tiburon and had a loving wife and was fabulously creative and successful, and that he came to the desperate place where suicide seemed like his – last option, I guess?
It felt like something’s in the air, something stirring, something unsettled. Are people and the Earth feeling off a bit right now? One friend wrote that she is crying a lot these days, a friend of hers had killed himself this time last year; she remembers him with fondness and grief.
I don’t know if anyone else is feeling any sadness or anxiety, or unsettled. I don’t have a cure for anxiety but this is what I’ve been doing with it last night and today. Find a quiet place and fully let myself feel the feeling. It’s in my chest. Be with it. Accept it, feel it without attaching words or imagined events or possible fears around it.
Talk to it a little bit: “What are you afraid of?” “What do you need?” “If you could use words, what do you want to tell me?”
I think the anxiety felt heard. It answered me. “What are you afraid of, truly?”
“What do you need?”
“What do you want to tell me?”
“If you hold me, I’ll soften…I’ll open like the black, sharp rice did the other night, in just six minutes. I’ll open into a soft, chewy, healthy blossom that you can eat…I’ll turn into love, if you hold me…I’ll lead you to God, if you embrace me…I’ll turn you inside out so that you are open like a body with no skin, so that the outside becomes you…so that there will be nothing to hide, nothing to fear…nothing.”
I hear you. I love you. Be not afraid. We are one. May we all find and keep, tenderly, together, the peace, love, happiness, health, safety and goodness that we all long for, that we all deserve, as human beings. Everyone.