Our internet stopped working so I am writing now with hopes that I can post this sometime soon. Hopefully by then I won’t be in the condition I am in right now.
I woke up two days ago and began to get sick – fever, aching, headache, low energy. Rosa had told us the first day we saw her that two of her daughters have been ill for a month, with something that seems like a flu, but (as Hubby translated to me later), “’They’ say it’s from the mosquitos.” (not sure who “they” is). I am hoping that this is not what I have, and also I hope it’s not contagious. It’s nasty and depressing since I’m laying in a bed alternately shivering and then sweating, and until right now, had no energy to do anything at all. Hubby has been taking care of the girls and they are doing the best they can. That Mother’s guilt thing is with me – Sofia comes in and asks when I can play again; how long will I be sick, can I go to the river with them…
The night of getting sick, Sofia had been itching and scissoring her legs together in the night, from her mosquito bites. I finally got up with her around 2 am to put on more cream to help relieve the itching. She was so upset – it stings when you first put it on. We were standing in the bathroom and I was trying to calmly get the cream on and suddenly – behind Sofia – a long, ebony cockroach came skittering out from under some toilet paper rolls. “Ohhhh…oh, okay now…” I made a huge effort to not freak out. “Sofia, come over by me, honey, ok?” but she didn’t and the roach was behind her still. I grabbed about half a roll of toilet paper in a wad and suddenly the roach ran into her foot and she saw it and started screeching. As calmly as possible, I said, “It’s okay honey, don’t worry, let me take care of it…” and I smashed it with the paper. Believe it or not, that is the first time in my life that I”ve done that. When I was a child in Hawaii, becoming trained to be phobic about this, my mother poisoned our house every three months or so with something very strong (it’s amazing we lived through that). So we didn’t have too many roaches. But every once in a while, they came in anyway. If I came home and saw the roach and if no one was home, I would go to my bedroom and shut the door, and stuff towels in the crack of the door to keep it from coming in. (Now you probably get a good image of the phobia. So it’s somewhat monumental – in my small world – that through the love for my daughter, I stayed as calm as I could and smashed that roach. I was also thinking about what a few friends on Facebook had said, and it was really helpful as I faced that moment. I was like, (thank you Victoria and Kristin, for the image), “Okay, metamorphosis! Transformation! Warrior Mommy you can do this thing!” Thank you for helping give me strength.
Now, I want to preface the rest of this post,with the reminder that we fully understood that moving to the rainforest farm was not all about nirvana. Part of leaping off-the-grid, into the great wide open, is the utter not-knowing of so many aspects of one’s life. If you can survive the entry and adjustment, I think it’s one way to grow – stretching oneself beyond what is comfortable.
So I’m not feeling totally comfortable right now, and trying to accept it for what this moment is. Here we are. I’m sick. Today is day three (I wrote the above last night). I was able to get up and help make part of breakfast but had to sit down halfway through. I’m quickly writing now because Hubby will come soon to go to town w/ the computer, phones, and a grocery list of supplies to buy for a week or so.
I hadn’t had a chance to mention yet that there seems to be a small civil disagreement going on with the locals and the people in charge of the local road. Basically to get from the nearest town to the area surrounding the farm, there is a very bad, potted, dirt road drive that takes at least 25-30 minutes to get through. A lot of the people that use this road, rely on it for their livelihood. They have to bring their harvests out using this road, and also some stone here is removed and driven out. Anyway, I guess there’s been an ongoing promise from the road builders that they will fix the road – and they haven’t.
So a couple of weeks ago, some of the locals had had it, and they chopped down some trees and blocked the road. The road builders then promised they would fix the road. But they haven’t. So Felipe just told Marin that the locals are now planning on breaking down the bridge on this road, so that it will be impossible to drive, until the officials fix the road – and the bridge. Apparently this will happen on July 20 which is in two days.
This is the only road we have in and out of here. I feel incapacitated to help as much as I’d like, simply things like Hubby is not the best at going to the store and getting supplies (that strange quality men have – you provide the list of everything and somehow about half of the items don’t make it back home.), I can’t give the girls the energy they need. The best I can do is really work with acceptance right now….this is what is, and in this moment everything is okay (although I hurry to finish this cuz I can hear Michelle crying at Rosa, “I want da Mommmy!”). The bridge may or may not fall down. We are here and will handle whatever comes on our plate.
The other twist was that Hubby and I went to visit the Principal of the school that Sofia will attend in the Fall. He’s enthusiastic about our arrival and very willing to chat with me about ideas for bringing the kids out to the farm for learning about gardening, eco-tourism ideas, sustaining the land, etc. He also proposed something to Hubby. Would Hubby like to develop and begin an adult English teaching program in the evenings at the school. That’s a whole other story and I can’t write it now, but will as soon as I can. For now, I’m sending much love to all, may we all find and spread peace, love, happiness, health, safety and goodness. I’m also sorry that I can’t send more personal emails out to family right now, please forgive me, but hopefully this blog will update you a little bit until we have better internet, roads, health, etc!
Be well, thank you for being with me!