Hello My Beautiful Little Blog World:)
Where have I been? What’s going on? Where am I?
This post probably needs Haiku.
Cocoon gather white
Tremble in uncertain winds
Hold tight, unfolding.
Hopefully that explains it all to you, yes? Oh, not completely? Okay, I’ll try straight talk…much harder to do.
The Short Version:
In the midst of the seminar, and my precious visits with Uncle Fred and Auntie Brenda, I’d caught some kind of tropical bug. In retrospect: For anyone like me who might be somewhat reluctant to see a Doctor: It’s probably a good idea to go many days earlier than Day 21 of non-stop diarrhea. I probably waited too long, my bad:(.
I finally went for two rounds of treatment for a common but persistent amoeba, prescribed by a good Gastroenterologist in Santo Domingo. Neither treatment worked. When I returned last week to the farm with my second round of medication, feeling the fatigue that had become part of my days, I spent a long sleepless night, looking around our little house in the farm, taking a short walk under the star loaded sky, aware that many cottages and rooms were full of friends that were participating in the long Lent seminar. I watched Sofia and Michelle sleeping in their beds, flung in dream flight across the sheets and tangled Mermaid doll hair and Mrs. Fluffy Cow tail.
I reminisced on the tremendous life that had already taken place for us in these past 8 months. There were so many stages, from arrival and adjusting to this wild jungle and off the grid life, the quiet months where we were often alone at the farm or accompanied by Felipe, always popping in for a quick check in between chopping plants or growing cilantro. The many long weekends when Jose and Katiuska arrived in their truck for several days, and the girls would follow Katiuska around like baby chicks, interested in all of her farm activities. Jose and Marin working daily on building projects, screening in the Movement Hall..the cool Adirondack type chairs that Katiuska placed around the property for people to enjoy. A bustling energy around the sudden project to build the new kitchen..upgrading rooms for visitors. I was enjoying my own work on reaching out to groups for the EcoRetreat business that is in its beginning stages…real interest developing in what this tropical rainforest farm has to offer.
The sense of imminent arrival. And finally, the seminar that we had been waiting for, the seminar which brought people to the farm to live and work for a few months, together. There is community, shared practices, and the extended opportunity to truly BE with one another, to work and play together with a common aim.
And the unavoidable fact that since the first day of the seminar, the majority of the time I was sick. So NOT what I wanted! Friggin BAD timing. I find it very hard to work on acceptance and embracing “what is” when “what is” is me too sick to really participate fully.
But here I was, watching Sofia and Michelle sleeping as the night began to give way to indigo colors in the sky. Here is the fact: I’m not doing well. I can’t give what I want to give or receive what I want to be receptive to. I’m dragging myself around to minimally help. For me, to manage Sofia and Michelle’s shower after a busy day had become a monumental chore. This is what is happening.
I woke Marin up at dawn and said, “I need to talk to you. It’s time to go. As soon as possible, actually today.”
He knows me well enough to know my serious and final voice. He also had witnessed my lack of energy over the past few weeks and knew I was dragging. “Okay,” he said.
We went to Jose and Katiuska and told them about the most recent Dr visit and my feeling that it would be best to return to the USA for treatment. We had also all been talking about the possibility that we would move back to the US for jobs soon, to save up money as our savings was shrinking. Katiuska and I agreed we can continue to work on the EcoRetreat business concept while I am in the USA. She is available and fully capable of hosting any retreat that might put in a reservation. I’ve still got high hopes for EcoRetreatsDR: There is so much to offer an Eco-conscious group.
But: None of us thought we were leaving that day. They asked, “So when are you thinking of leaving?” I said, “In about 3 hours.” Wordlessly, they nodded and understood.
And we did. We left the farm last week. It’s a lot to leave, it’s going to be a long internal good-bye on my part, as I feel there’s so much to still take in and process and contemplate. Most of all, to leave people that you’ve become connected to in a way that feels like true family: Yes, we did live on an off the grid tropical rainforest farm with a community of deeply Working, living and loving people. We did.
I’ll have to fill you in on more details later, but let’s just say a whirlwind of events swirled around us and we arrived in San Francisco, California on Friday night. I’m now on an extensive hunt for treatment, health insurance, doctors, health centers, diagnosis…and about Day 38 of Diarrhea. If it wasn’t for that, I’m sure I’d feel great and full of energy!
For days I’ve thought about posting and just not sure how to update everyone. How does “offthegridmama” tell everyone she’s no longer off the grid? Can I still be “offthegridmama” from a suburb? Maybe in my heart, where infinity and love dwell, there can be a beat that always lays claim to being an “offthegridmama.” We’ll see if she sticks around..for now, I’m still owning that piece of my heart.
For those of you who are friends and just finding out I’m in California: Hey there! Yes, I’m here, but the immediate time is devoted to my getting healthy. First, before our family can really do anything else, or before I can start hanging out and figuring out what we are doing next! One thing we know: We have found a very lovely rental we will move into in April, in Tiburon…We want Sofia to finish out Kindergarten here and hopefully find jobs in the near area so that our commutes will be reasonable. Everything is open. Everything is possible. And certainly, everything is unexpected, isn’t it?
No matter where I am, my wish remains the same, the deepest wish for everyone to be filled with peace, love, happiness, health, safety and goodness. Every One. xoxo More soon, for sure:)